Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
