Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
