Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
