I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize