Where is the hickey?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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