do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
