I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
