I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
