Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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