i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
