last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
