Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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