Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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