I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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