A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
