guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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