This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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