so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
