We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize