I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
