so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
