my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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