I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm too high and old for this...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
