Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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