I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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