A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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