woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
