I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
