He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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