He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
