the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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