Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Boobs are out for the taking
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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