So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize