Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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