Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
