hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
