Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
