So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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