I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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