Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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