he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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