ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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