The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
