Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
