someone threw a dead crab at me
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize