non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
