Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
