my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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