He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
