there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
