I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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