I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
