I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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