I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
