I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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