I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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