You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize