I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
