so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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