Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I pour the whiskey from now on
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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